I've been up for the past 35 minutes. I had to make my morning phone call to my sponsor. We talk each morning at 6:30 for at least 15 minutes. Some of you probably haven't heard me talk about my sponsor before. It's definitely not an easy concept to accept, on my end anyway. When one truly does the F.A. program, one is required to do all parts of it, this includes at daily phone call to someone, a sponsor. In F.A. a sponsor is someone who hasn't had flour or sugar in over six months; this person has been entirely "abstinent." (Just as a side note, being abstinent in F.A. doesn't mean one has abstained from sex, which is how we typically use it, at least in health class. Abstinence here means that a sponsor has abstained from eating flour and sugar and weighs/measures every meal, three times a day). We talk about life and how it interferes with my program. For many of us, food is a comforter. Think of an alcoholic; he or she used liquor and alcohol to dull or conceal feelings. On the opposite end, he or she may use it as a celebratory tool. What it comes down to, at the end of the day, is that addicts don't need a reason to justify using their drug of choice. Mine is flour and sugar, usually in some sweetly baked combination. When obstacles retch up unannounced, which they seem to do often, I can talk to my sponsor and figure out a plan, a plan how to not eat over whatever has happened. For instance, on Friday or Thursday (I can't remember which) I received a few upsetting phone calls while I was at school. I had packed an abstinent lunch like I do everyday, so lunch wasn't going to be issue. I honestly didn't plan on eating over these two stupid phone calls, but unconsciously my addiction was manifesting, but it wouldn't show up until later that evening.
Many of you know that my story is one of binge eating, particularly at night. At this point in the day, I need to be especially focused on not eating and to push any food thoughts out. But like with any temptation, it's stupidly hard to do. That night, after parent/teacher conferences, and after being at school for over 13 hours, I broke. On the way home, food thoughts started to creep in. It started off with, "Oh, I'll have a banana with my dinner instead of the squash." This might not seem like a big deal, but my food plan doesn't include fruit at dinner. So, if I eat fruit at dinner it means that I've "broken" my food plan for the day; the break means to not be abstinent. I did eat that banana and then I ate a lot of other foods, foods that I choose not to eat when I'm working the F.A. program. I remember specifically two cookies stuffed with some sort of whipped cream filling and Sun Chips. Definitely not considered abstinent food. Do you see where an initial food thought can lead me? I truly believe the phone calls I received hours earlier in the day began to turn the wheels in my head without me even being aware of it.
I've always eaten my emotions and stress. Those habits are hard to kick, and some of you who read this know that. It's been a struggle, but this is day 3 without the white stuff. That probably doesn't seem like I big deal, but I came back to F.A. over a month ago, and it's taken me this long to get my act together. Yes, it's been hard and yes, I still have the cravings, but it will be unbelievably worth it. I realize it'll be another week or so before the cravings really dissipate anyway.
And tomorrow is national food-coma day, or Thanksgiving. Do you want to know what the true gift is here? Not once this week have I thought about the food that will undoubtedly be in my face, surrounding me. I've thought about how excited I am to spend time with Sam's family in the afternoon and spend time with my family in the evening. I'll pack my food, just like I did last year, weighed and measured ahead of time. I'll eat it, and then I won't think about it again until dinner.
If you take anything away from this borderline rant post, take away that tomorrow isn't about food. It isn't about turkey, the dark or white meat. It isn't about pies and the endless variety of flavors. It isn't about stuffing, gravy, potatoes, dinner rolls or beer and wine. It's about giving thanks. After all, another day for Thanksgiving is Thursday. Be thankful everyday.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Flour + Sugar Can Suck It
For the past, oh, three weeks I've been trying to start F.A. over again. For those of you who have been following my food blog since the beginning, you'll remember it's a program in which I weigh and measure my meals and avoid flour and sugar. It's very specific, and the rules are black and white. It's probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it works and is so worth the effort. So what's the problem? I left back in February and haven't successfully done this program since. These past three weeks are the closest I've gotten. I feel like I'm at a mental stand-still and need something to push me. One would think my wedding gown would be reason enough.
It's funny because the sponsor I'm currently working with has given me a food plan with plenty of food; I'm literally never hungry. This food plan, however, is way different than the one I used to lose weight for those first eight months. I kind of want to go back to that food plan; it's familiar and I know it works. I'm not sure how I'll lose weight with the amount of food she's given me now.
This program asks that I simply do what my sponsor asks me to do, but if any of you struggle with addiction or not having control, then you should know what I mean. I want to give up and just trust what she says, but I'm having a hard time giving in. I guess I still want to do it my way. I need to remind myself that doing it my way got me nearly 30 pounds heavier since I left program last winter.
I know that I'll do this; the majority of me wants to do this. It's the miniscule fraction of me that's putting up a fight, and to be frank, it's getting on my nerves. I know I have to this program together because Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and there's no way I'll make it through the day without eating if I don't get this program solidly planted in my daily routine.
I read today, "If you're making mistakes, it means you're trying." It made me feel good, even briefly. I've identified the problem and I'm working on it, however I'm struggling.
Words of advice and encouragement are always welcome!
P.S. I'm going to try to update this blog more regularly, but we all know how that goes.
It's funny because the sponsor I'm currently working with has given me a food plan with plenty of food; I'm literally never hungry. This food plan, however, is way different than the one I used to lose weight for those first eight months. I kind of want to go back to that food plan; it's familiar and I know it works. I'm not sure how I'll lose weight with the amount of food she's given me now.
This program asks that I simply do what my sponsor asks me to do, but if any of you struggle with addiction or not having control, then you should know what I mean. I want to give up and just trust what she says, but I'm having a hard time giving in. I guess I still want to do it my way. I need to remind myself that doing it my way got me nearly 30 pounds heavier since I left program last winter.
I know that I'll do this; the majority of me wants to do this. It's the miniscule fraction of me that's putting up a fight, and to be frank, it's getting on my nerves. I know I have to this program together because Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and there's no way I'll make it through the day without eating if I don't get this program solidly planted in my daily routine.
I read today, "If you're making mistakes, it means you're trying." It made me feel good, even briefly. I've identified the problem and I'm working on it, however I'm struggling.
Words of advice and encouragement are always welcome!
P.S. I'm going to try to update this blog more regularly, but we all know how that goes.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Julian Michaels
Almost immediately after posting my entry last night I received a Facebook message from a college acquaintance. She has recently lost a lot of weight, too, and wanted to offer a word of advice if I wanted to hear it. (Just a quick note: I love hearing from weight stories and experiences; this includes advice and tips. I may or may not use them, but that I doesn't mean I wouldn't love to be an open ear). Her weight loss journey was much different than I had imagined it to be. I just assume everyone else has it together, that losing weight is simple for other people. I couldn't be more wrong! I asked her what she had done to create a healthier lifestyle for herself. She signed up for JulianMichaels.com. She added it was "kind of pricey." She had also mentioned Michael's workout DVDs. She stated she is now in the best shape of her life. I want that. I want to be able to say that. I want a flat(ter) stomach. Without thinking twice, I signed up for this online program. It's a little over $50 for thirteen weeks. I found two of the DVDs for $9.97 at Bull Moose Music in North Windham. I'm excited to get started tomorrow. The website is kind of complicated; it's not super easy to navigate. For the first time in I don't know how long, I'm feeling a willingness. I'm ready. I'm so ready to be a healthier person. I would also like to fit into my beautiful wedding gown thirteen months from now.
Michael's website gives me an automatic daily and/or weekly (depending on which I prefer) food plan. It tracks the calories for me. It also gives me daily workouts (perfect!). I'll keep you posted on how it progresses.
Food for tomorrow (as prescribed by Julian).
Breakfast: 301 calories
0.5 cup egg whites, scrambed
0.5oz oz of shredded cheddar cheese (for eggs)
1 piece whole wheat bread, toast
1/2 grapefruit
Lunch: 342 calories
1 (6.5") pita pocket
1/4 hummus
2 tbs red onion, chopped
1/4 cups carrots, shredded
2 tbs shredded mozzarella cheese
2 slices of tomatoes
Snack: 103 calories
1/2 cup pear, sliced
4 oz plain, Greek yogurt
Dinner: 452 calories per serving
Lemon-garlic shrimp with vegetables recipes (serves 4)
I can do this. And I actually want to do this. No one said it
Michael's website gives me an automatic daily and/or weekly (depending on which I prefer) food plan. It tracks the calories for me. It also gives me daily workouts (perfect!). I'll keep you posted on how it progresses.
Food for tomorrow (as prescribed by Julian).
Breakfast: 301 calories
0.5 cup egg whites, scrambed
0.5oz oz of shredded cheddar cheese (for eggs)
1 piece whole wheat bread, toast
1/2 grapefruit
Lunch: 342 calories
1 (6.5") pita pocket
1/4 hummus
2 tbs red onion, chopped
1/4 cups carrots, shredded
2 tbs shredded mozzarella cheese
2 slices of tomatoes
Snack: 103 calories
1/2 cup pear, sliced
4 oz plain, Greek yogurt
Dinner: 452 calories per serving
Lemon-garlic shrimp with vegetables recipes (serves 4)
I can do this. And I actually want to do this. No one said it
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Hello again!
It will be four months tomorrow since I updated last. How quickly time flies. And how quickly weight goes on. As you all know, I left F.A. last February; I've tried to go back a few times, but without much success. That program, as wonderful as it can be, is just not for me. I'm trying to get my food in order, but that's much easier said than done. I would love to give up flour and sugar. I realize those processed foods hold zero nutritional value for my body. I start off great everyday. I have a wholesome breakfast, a usually OK lunch (a large salad, some protein, maybe a little too much fruit, and an unplanned carbohydrate), but by the time dinner comes around I'm so mentally exhausted from trying to avoid the food I crave that I just cave completely (a.k.a. I binge).
I've been thinking that maybe I'm trying to tackle too much at once. Maybe I need to set smaller goals for myself. Instead of telling myself, "You'll get it right today," I should say, "My goal today is..." My food journal, much like this blog, has gone to the wayside. Planning my meals in advance has always been helpful. Perhaps I'll post those here. I think I tried that once before, but I'll try it again. I'd like to update this more regularly. Posting my daily food here would give me cause to sign-on to Blogger.
As hard as it is to admit, I think I need to post my numbers here. When I left F.A. in February I was around 176 pounds. Today I'm hovering around 190 pounds. I can't believe I've put that much back on, and in no time at all. It's like every part of my body is a representation of the weight gain. Before I started working at Migis, I had a pretty solid workout routine. I had been working on strengthening my core and toning. It seems like everything is like play-dough. That's cute.
Goals for this week:
1) Determine food for following day; post it here.
2) Decrease fruit to 1 piece a day. (I know this probably sounds strange, but fruit has become a "trigger" for me).
3) Do an ab workout in the evening and stretch before bed.
There's no reason why I should be able to accomplish these three simple tasks each day, for at least one week.
On the brighter side, Sam proposed in May. We're getting married! If our wedding doesn't motivated me, I don't know what will. I already have my dress. It's a size 12, but the bridal store said they can take it in to a size 8. When I started to lose weight, I wanted to end at 160 pounds (so an even 100 pounds lost) and to be a size 8 pants. This is still my goal.
I start student teaching this week. I'm beyond nervous for that. Knowing myself, I'm not surprised I've been over-eating lately. I'm a stress/emotional eater. I guess realizing is a step in the right direction. I know I'm discouraged right now, and I'm upset with myself for letting my control go, but there's no way in hell I'll go back to where I came from. I can't allow myself to forget how for I've come.
I just need to remember to do the next right thing.
Tomorrow's food:
Breakfast:
1/2 cup (dry) oatmeal (150 calories)
1 banana (110 calories)
2 eggs (140 calories)
Lunch:
1 slice swiss cheese (106 calories)
1 slice turkey meat (deli) (45 calories)
8oz salad (40 calories)
1 tbs salad dressing (25 calories)
Dinner:
8 oz salad (40 calories)
4oz shrimp (grilled) (120 calories)
2 tbs dressing (140 calories)
6 oz sauteed vegetables (bell peppers, mushrooms, onions) (60 calories)
Total Calories: 976 calories
I've been thinking that maybe I'm trying to tackle too much at once. Maybe I need to set smaller goals for myself. Instead of telling myself, "You'll get it right today," I should say, "My goal today is..." My food journal, much like this blog, has gone to the wayside. Planning my meals in advance has always been helpful. Perhaps I'll post those here. I think I tried that once before, but I'll try it again. I'd like to update this more regularly. Posting my daily food here would give me cause to sign-on to Blogger.
As hard as it is to admit, I think I need to post my numbers here. When I left F.A. in February I was around 176 pounds. Today I'm hovering around 190 pounds. I can't believe I've put that much back on, and in no time at all. It's like every part of my body is a representation of the weight gain. Before I started working at Migis, I had a pretty solid workout routine. I had been working on strengthening my core and toning. It seems like everything is like play-dough. That's cute.
Goals for this week:
1) Determine food for following day; post it here.
2) Decrease fruit to 1 piece a day. (I know this probably sounds strange, but fruit has become a "trigger" for me).
3) Do an ab workout in the evening and stretch before bed.
There's no reason why I should be able to accomplish these three simple tasks each day, for at least one week.
On the brighter side, Sam proposed in May. We're getting married! If our wedding doesn't motivated me, I don't know what will. I already have my dress. It's a size 12, but the bridal store said they can take it in to a size 8. When I started to lose weight, I wanted to end at 160 pounds (so an even 100 pounds lost) and to be a size 8 pants. This is still my goal.
I start student teaching this week. I'm beyond nervous for that. Knowing myself, I'm not surprised I've been over-eating lately. I'm a stress/emotional eater. I guess realizing is a step in the right direction. I know I'm discouraged right now, and I'm upset with myself for letting my control go, but there's no way in hell I'll go back to where I came from. I can't allow myself to forget how for I've come.
I just need to remember to do the next right thing.
Tomorrow's food:
Breakfast:
1/2 cup (dry) oatmeal (150 calories)
1 banana (110 calories)
2 eggs (140 calories)
Lunch:
1 slice swiss cheese (106 calories)
1 slice turkey meat (deli) (45 calories)
8oz salad (40 calories)
1 tbs salad dressing (25 calories)
Dinner:
8 oz salad (40 calories)
4oz shrimp (grilled) (120 calories)
2 tbs dressing (140 calories)
6 oz sauteed vegetables (bell peppers, mushrooms, onions) (60 calories)
Total Calories: 976 calories
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Genetics
As usual it's been a while since my last post. My apologies. I have a few updates and some thoughts to share, so I thought I would post before I go to bed tonight.
I left F.A. (remember the no flour, no sugar program) at the end of January, beginning of February of this year. After about a two and a half month leave of absence, I've decided to return. I've found myself a new sponsor, one whom I think will fit my lifestyle and my needs as a member of F.A. You're probably asking yourself why, exactly, have I decided to return to such a strict program that is often demanding of my time. The answer, I think, is pretty simple. I'm really tired of thinking about food. It consumes my thoughts. When I was truly working the F.A. program, my relationship with food was in a great place. I didn't crave those "bad" foods, you know the ones I'm talking about. The best part about the F.A. program: I knew that whenever I stepped on the scale I was guaranteed weight-loss. For seven months I had lost consistently. When I left the program a few months ago, I would fluctuate between 176 pounds and 186 pounds. When I left, I was an even 175 pounds. I haven't seen that number in nearly three months, though I've been close a few times. I'd exercise and eat well all week, but then Friday or Saturday would come around and I'd lost control. I'd overeat at dinner and then decide to do some damage with drinks and dessert. I would literally put on 3 to 4 pounds over the course of an evening. The food I was eating was so high in sugar and fat that my body didn't know how to process it. I would frequently make myself feel sick with greasy, processed foods. The worst part of all of this, I didn't want to eat those foods. There was some internal struggle that I constantly felt after I left the program. Food, all of sudden, had control of me again.
Like I said before, I've come back to F.A., but those binge-like habits are dying hard this second time around. I haven't had a single day on program (about two weeks now) that I haven't broken, whether it be with an extra piece of fruit or ice cream.
I need to be honest with myself and with the people in my life whom I love and cherish. I have a problem with food, particularly flour and sugar. I would have sworn to you three months ago that I wasn't a food addict. Tonight I have proven myself differently. I don't know what started the cravings or what triggered the binge, but after my class tonight I came home and scavenged the apartment for anything sweet. I knew I wouldn't find anything; Sam and I don't keep food like that around...probably for this very reason. I tried a couple of different food items to see if they would even put a dent in the cravings. I poured myself two bowls of cereal, one being shredded wheat, the other being Kashi seven-grain flakes. Then I had pretzels sticks. I should know better by now; those only make my mouth hurt (too much sodium). On to a "breakfast" sandwich at 6:30 at night. OK, so none of those things worked. Obviously I needed to leave the house if I wanted to find my "fix." I headed to Subway. And can I just say, I didn't even want to go there. I didn't want another sandwich, but I didn't know what else to do, so I drove. I bought a foot-long meatball sub. I threw more than half of it away. Such a waste of money. I also purchased an individual-size bag of cheddar harvest Sun Chips and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie (which I ate on my way to Rite Aid). At Rite Aid I bought an Easter cookie on sale (I threw that away two). I headed to McDonald's next for a McFlurry. Listen to me: I don't even like McFlurry's. This is just pure insanity.
If this isn't an addiction than I have no idea how to classify one. It's like I had no control over my thoughts and actions. I might as well have been completely inebriated. Also, keep in mind this was all between 6 o'clock and 7:30 this evening. I can't even explain to you how completely sketchy I felt driving from place to place. This is something I've never done until recently. Like I said, I don't know the exact cause. It could be that I started my period today. It could be that my nephew's second birthday is coming up and I still can't deal with the fact that I'll never see him again. It could be end-of-the-semester stress. But let's be honest, it's because I'm a food addict.
I'm learning to not beat myself up after I make poor decisions like this. Tomorrow is another day. I've called my sponsor and left her a message explaining everything to her. Being honest with myself, and like I said before, being honest with the people around me is crucial. I spoke with a local food councilor yesterday. I'll be meeting her within the next two weeks. They say that children of alcoholics are more likely to be addicts than most other people. Perhaps this is where my genetics are just falling short.
I'm not ashamed to say I'm struggling. I know this is a common issue for many, many people, I'm just one of the few who writes about it in such a public and open manner. So please no judging. I'm trying to figure this all out. In the mean time, I just need to be honest.
I left F.A. (remember the no flour, no sugar program) at the end of January, beginning of February of this year. After about a two and a half month leave of absence, I've decided to return. I've found myself a new sponsor, one whom I think will fit my lifestyle and my needs as a member of F.A. You're probably asking yourself why, exactly, have I decided to return to such a strict program that is often demanding of my time. The answer, I think, is pretty simple. I'm really tired of thinking about food. It consumes my thoughts. When I was truly working the F.A. program, my relationship with food was in a great place. I didn't crave those "bad" foods, you know the ones I'm talking about. The best part about the F.A. program: I knew that whenever I stepped on the scale I was guaranteed weight-loss. For seven months I had lost consistently. When I left the program a few months ago, I would fluctuate between 176 pounds and 186 pounds. When I left, I was an even 175 pounds. I haven't seen that number in nearly three months, though I've been close a few times. I'd exercise and eat well all week, but then Friday or Saturday would come around and I'd lost control. I'd overeat at dinner and then decide to do some damage with drinks and dessert. I would literally put on 3 to 4 pounds over the course of an evening. The food I was eating was so high in sugar and fat that my body didn't know how to process it. I would frequently make myself feel sick with greasy, processed foods. The worst part of all of this, I didn't want to eat those foods. There was some internal struggle that I constantly felt after I left the program. Food, all of sudden, had control of me again.
Like I said before, I've come back to F.A., but those binge-like habits are dying hard this second time around. I haven't had a single day on program (about two weeks now) that I haven't broken, whether it be with an extra piece of fruit or ice cream.
I need to be honest with myself and with the people in my life whom I love and cherish. I have a problem with food, particularly flour and sugar. I would have sworn to you three months ago that I wasn't a food addict. Tonight I have proven myself differently. I don't know what started the cravings or what triggered the binge, but after my class tonight I came home and scavenged the apartment for anything sweet. I knew I wouldn't find anything; Sam and I don't keep food like that around...probably for this very reason. I tried a couple of different food items to see if they would even put a dent in the cravings. I poured myself two bowls of cereal, one being shredded wheat, the other being Kashi seven-grain flakes. Then I had pretzels sticks. I should know better by now; those only make my mouth hurt (too much sodium). On to a "breakfast" sandwich at 6:30 at night. OK, so none of those things worked. Obviously I needed to leave the house if I wanted to find my "fix." I headed to Subway. And can I just say, I didn't even want to go there. I didn't want another sandwich, but I didn't know what else to do, so I drove. I bought a foot-long meatball sub. I threw more than half of it away. Such a waste of money. I also purchased an individual-size bag of cheddar harvest Sun Chips and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie (which I ate on my way to Rite Aid). At Rite Aid I bought an Easter cookie on sale (I threw that away two). I headed to McDonald's next for a McFlurry. Listen to me: I don't even like McFlurry's. This is just pure insanity.
If this isn't an addiction than I have no idea how to classify one. It's like I had no control over my thoughts and actions. I might as well have been completely inebriated. Also, keep in mind this was all between 6 o'clock and 7:30 this evening. I can't even explain to you how completely sketchy I felt driving from place to place. This is something I've never done until recently. Like I said, I don't know the exact cause. It could be that I started my period today. It could be that my nephew's second birthday is coming up and I still can't deal with the fact that I'll never see him again. It could be end-of-the-semester stress. But let's be honest, it's because I'm a food addict.
I'm learning to not beat myself up after I make poor decisions like this. Tomorrow is another day. I've called my sponsor and left her a message explaining everything to her. Being honest with myself, and like I said before, being honest with the people around me is crucial. I spoke with a local food councilor yesterday. I'll be meeting her within the next two weeks. They say that children of alcoholics are more likely to be addicts than most other people. Perhaps this is where my genetics are just falling short.
I'm not ashamed to say I'm struggling. I know this is a common issue for many, many people, I'm just one of the few who writes about it in such a public and open manner. So please no judging. I'm trying to figure this all out. In the mean time, I just need to be honest.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Buckling Down
It's 4:27 in the morning and I simply can't sleep.
I'll start from the beginning, as that is probably the most logical.
7:57PM - It's a slow night at work, so my boss asks if I'd like to head out early.
7:59PM - As Josh, the bartender, to please mix me a drink. (He makes the best drinks, so I always allow him to decide what to make me. With that being said, I couldn't tell you what went into that first drink.)
From here I loose track of time because it's a booze and food blur. I order a veggie burger (locally made in Portland, Maine - delicious!) with curly fries. Sam and I shared the fries. Billy, my co-worker, makes me another drink, three-quarters liquor with a splash of pineapple and cranberry juice.
Sam and I head to Wicked Gelato where we share a heaping small of chocolate peanut butter gelato and cookies and caramel (or something) gelato. I ask, "Can we go get drinks at The Roost?" Walk to The Roost. "I left my I.D. in the car." Too lazy to walk back to the car and then back to the bar again. We go back to our apartment where I devour the following:
homemade popcorn
3 Girl Scout cookies (I didn't even know we had those in the pantry)
8 or 9 chocolate-covered graham crackers
3 handfuls of whole-wheat cheddar goldfish
Dirty Shirley (vodka, grenadine, Sprite and cherries)
It's 4:35 in the morning and I simply can't sleep. My heart rate has finally come down (whatever that was about), my head is pounding and I can't quench my thirst.
Obviously things haven't been going very well since I left F.A. (perhaps you remember my earlier flour-and-sugar-free posts). I haven't lost any more weight. In fact I've been fluctuating between 179 and 186 pounds. My goal weight is 160-65 pounds. I'm not going to get there with flour and sugar. So I'm going back to those days. For now, if I can help it, I'm going to have a go at a sugar and flour free life on my own. But I won't be surprised if I find myself back at F.A. meetings, even though they often make me miserable. But I'll take it because I'm not happy being fat.
Here's what I'm eating today, for a total of 1,232 calories:
I'll start from the beginning, as that is probably the most logical.
7:57PM - It's a slow night at work, so my boss asks if I'd like to head out early.
7:59PM - As Josh, the bartender, to please mix me a drink. (He makes the best drinks, so I always allow him to decide what to make me. With that being said, I couldn't tell you what went into that first drink.)
From here I loose track of time because it's a booze and food blur. I order a veggie burger (locally made in Portland, Maine - delicious!) with curly fries. Sam and I shared the fries. Billy, my co-worker, makes me another drink, three-quarters liquor with a splash of pineapple and cranberry juice.
Sam and I head to Wicked Gelato where we share a heaping small of chocolate peanut butter gelato and cookies and caramel (or something) gelato. I ask, "Can we go get drinks at The Roost?" Walk to The Roost. "I left my I.D. in the car." Too lazy to walk back to the car and then back to the bar again. We go back to our apartment where I devour the following:
homemade popcorn
3 Girl Scout cookies (I didn't even know we had those in the pantry)
8 or 9 chocolate-covered graham crackers
3 handfuls of whole-wheat cheddar goldfish
Dirty Shirley (vodka, grenadine, Sprite and cherries)
It's 4:35 in the morning and I simply can't sleep. My heart rate has finally come down (whatever that was about), my head is pounding and I can't quench my thirst.
Obviously things haven't been going very well since I left F.A. (perhaps you remember my earlier flour-and-sugar-free posts). I haven't lost any more weight. In fact I've been fluctuating between 179 and 186 pounds. My goal weight is 160-65 pounds. I'm not going to get there with flour and sugar. So I'm going back to those days. For now, if I can help it, I'm going to have a go at a sugar and flour free life on my own. But I won't be surprised if I find myself back at F.A. meetings, even though they often make me miserable. But I'll take it because I'm not happy being fat.
Here's what I'm eating today, for a total of 1,232 calories:
Breakfast:
8 ounces non-fat, plain Greek yogurt
1-ounce bran flakes
6 ounces frozen blueberries
½ cup almond milk
Lunch:
8 ounces salad
1 tablespoon dressing
6 ounces cooked vegetable
2 eggs (hard-boiled)
¼ cup quinoa
1 grapefruit
Dinner:
8 ounces salad
2 tablespoons Gorgonzola dressing
2 ounces black beans, 2 ounces chickpeas
6 ounces cooked vegetable
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Unlimited Vegetables
Just as a forewarning, I'm going to be talking about bowels, my bowels, and things of the gastrointestinal nature. If you're poop-shy, this entry is not for you.
Vegetable over-kill is alive and well. For example, if you eat too much spinach on a daily basis (I don't have an exact amount) your body will actually struggle to absorb calcium. If you eat too many orange vegetables (carrots, squash, etc.) your eyes and skin may begin to have an orange hue. I learned that the hard way. My hands have been orange since around October of last year.
Perhaps the most common side effect of eating too much of Nature's candy: fiber-overload. Bowel movements, farting, bloating, abdominal discomfort (extreme) are all symptoms of indulging in vegetables. Each day I eat about ten servings of vegetables. Keep in mind, that like fruit, one vegetable isn't one serving; it's two or three.
Recently I've felt like my stomach is massive. I couldn't imagine what I was doing wrong. I mean, I've been working on toning my core and eating right, watching my portions...except those vegetables. I totally let them slide under my radar. I couldn't help but think, "Weight Watchers lets there members have unlimited vegetables." Wrong, so wrong. I come from a history of binge eating. I can binge on anything, M&Ms or cauliflower (thought I'm really thankful it's been the latter). From now on, I'm going to begin practicing my six servings of vegetables a day and see how my body (internally, mostly) reacts.
I also met with my dietician for the first time Monday morning. I'd like to post a little about that, but I have to had into work. Extra shift! :)
Vegetable over-kill is alive and well. For example, if you eat too much spinach on a daily basis (I don't have an exact amount) your body will actually struggle to absorb calcium. If you eat too many orange vegetables (carrots, squash, etc.) your eyes and skin may begin to have an orange hue. I learned that the hard way. My hands have been orange since around October of last year.
Perhaps the most common side effect of eating too much of Nature's candy: fiber-overload. Bowel movements, farting, bloating, abdominal discomfort (extreme) are all symptoms of indulging in vegetables. Each day I eat about ten servings of vegetables. Keep in mind, that like fruit, one vegetable isn't one serving; it's two or three.
Recently I've felt like my stomach is massive. I couldn't imagine what I was doing wrong. I mean, I've been working on toning my core and eating right, watching my portions...except those vegetables. I totally let them slide under my radar. I couldn't help but think, "Weight Watchers lets there members have unlimited vegetables." Wrong, so wrong. I come from a history of binge eating. I can binge on anything, M&Ms or cauliflower (thought I'm really thankful it's been the latter). From now on, I'm going to begin practicing my six servings of vegetables a day and see how my body (internally, mostly) reacts.
I also met with my dietician for the first time Monday morning. I'd like to post a little about that, but I have to had into work. Extra shift! :)
Friday, February 3, 2012
Peach-Mango Trident
Weight loss is as much mental as it is physical. These past few weeks have proven this to be incredibly true. I'm currently holding out at 179 pounds, although my bathroom scale has informed me that my body fat percentage has gone down by about .8%; small victories. I feel like my body is taking on another shape. Like, maybe about seven and a half months, it's taking sometime to figure out where 81 pounds has gone to and what to do with the remaining self. I just need it to stop rearranging primarily near my butt.
Last night I received a phone call from a friend who recently moved to Florida for a few months. She's struggled with body image in her own way, so it was wonderful to confide with someone who understands the mental tug-of-wars that weight causes. I fight with myself almost constantly. Keeping myself distracted is such a task. I'm constantly checking my "Calorie Counter" account. My food journal is never far from reach. Walking past a mirror or window used to be exciting; these past two weeks have turned that experience into something a little more anxiety inducing.
You know, this weekend is the Superbowl. I'm looking forward to it since Sam and I will be heading to Augusta to watch it with his family's friend, Ray (I hear he makes a killer best mai tai). Here again I'm thinking about food. We're leaving Saturday night or Sunday morning for Winthrop, going to Augusta and staying over in Winthrop Sunday night. Should I pack my food with me? I've been packing my meals since June of 2011. Whenever I go on an overnight somewhere, I write down my food before hand so there are no surprises. Honestly, it's peace of mind. But at the same time it's tiring. I just want to get in the car and go somewhere without having to think about what am I going to eat, how much and when? Also, the thought of eating something without measuring it before hand freaks me right out! How do you "normal" people do it without weighing 600 pounds? Teach me.
My biggest struggle? Snacks.
Last night I received a phone call from a friend who recently moved to Florida for a few months. She's struggled with body image in her own way, so it was wonderful to confide with someone who understands the mental tug-of-wars that weight causes. I fight with myself almost constantly. Keeping myself distracted is such a task. I'm constantly checking my "Calorie Counter" account. My food journal is never far from reach. Walking past a mirror or window used to be exciting; these past two weeks have turned that experience into something a little more anxiety inducing.
You know, this weekend is the Superbowl. I'm looking forward to it since Sam and I will be heading to Augusta to watch it with his family's friend, Ray (I hear he makes a killer best mai tai). Here again I'm thinking about food. We're leaving Saturday night or Sunday morning for Winthrop, going to Augusta and staying over in Winthrop Sunday night. Should I pack my food with me? I've been packing my meals since June of 2011. Whenever I go on an overnight somewhere, I write down my food before hand so there are no surprises. Honestly, it's peace of mind. But at the same time it's tiring. I just want to get in the car and go somewhere without having to think about what am I going to eat, how much and when? Also, the thought of eating something without measuring it before hand freaks me right out! How do you "normal" people do it without weighing 600 pounds? Teach me.
My biggest struggle? Snacks.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Pumpkin Want-To-Be Pancakes
Weight update: I weighed in this morning (it being the first of the month); I'm back to 179 pounds. Fingers crossed - let's hope the weight gain part of this new lifestyle is over!
Some of you probably already realize this, but I'm an avid user of Pinterest, an online bulletin board of sorts. I've been discovering a lot of fantastically healthy recipes. I've decided to post about my most recent one. I found a blog that belongs to a health-nut. She creates a lot of her own recipes (which, I have to say, I think is impressive). This morning, after my cycling class, I came home to my apartment ready to try her "Perfect Protein Pumpkin Pancakes." Here's her original recipe. I had to change the recipe because I didn't actually have flax seed in my pantry. The batter was probably soupier than intended. This led to pumpkin "crepes" instead of pancakes. So delicious and a totally welcomed accident.
In addition to my "pancakes", I measured six ounces of non-fat, plain Greek yogurt (some to spread on my crepes and some to enjoy by itself) and sliced six ounces of fresh strawberries. I put some of the sliced strawberries on my crepes, just atop of the yogurt. I didn't roll them up like a tradition crepe. This is mainly because I'm trying to teach myself to eat slower, using a fork and a knife. Doing this allows my body time to register that's it's feeling full.
Did I mention these pancakes/crepes are sugar and flour free? And the whole batch is just one serving! It's a generous serving, ranging between 170 to 211 calories depending on which version of the recipe you choose to use.
Cassey Ho, the creator of the "Blogilates" (I embedded the link above), offers some suggestions for toppings. We all love peanut butter, but she found that it over powered the pumpkin flavor. Of course you can use syrup, but why add unnecessary sugar to an already delicious breakfast? Her favorite was cottage cheese. I thought the Greek yogurt was perfect. I know very few people actually each plain yogurt, so I would recommend a vanilla since the protein powder used in this recipe is also vanilla.
Speaking of protein powder, I was nervous to buy a can. Protein powder is such a workout cliche it seems. I thought, "I don't want a can of this sitting in my pantry. I'm only going to ever use this once." Wrong! I'm already starting my search for my recipes that include it. The one downside of this product is that it tends to be expensive. The cheapest I found it was at Hannaford's in Augusta, Maine for $14.99. It should last a while though.
 | ||
| The ingredients! |
Some of you probably already realize this, but I'm an avid user of Pinterest, an online bulletin board of sorts. I've been discovering a lot of fantastically healthy recipes. I've decided to post about my most recent one. I found a blog that belongs to a health-nut. She creates a lot of her own recipes (which, I have to say, I think is impressive). This morning, after my cycling class, I came home to my apartment ready to try her "Perfect Protein Pumpkin Pancakes." Here's her original recipe. I had to change the recipe because I didn't actually have flax seed in my pantry. The batter was probably soupier than intended. This led to pumpkin "crepes" instead of pancakes. So delicious and a totally welcomed accident.
In addition to my "pancakes", I measured six ounces of non-fat, plain Greek yogurt (some to spread on my crepes and some to enjoy by itself) and sliced six ounces of fresh strawberries. I put some of the sliced strawberries on my crepes, just atop of the yogurt. I didn't roll them up like a tradition crepe. This is mainly because I'm trying to teach myself to eat slower, using a fork and a knife. Doing this allows my body time to register that's it's feeling full.
 |
| The final product: 2 sugar and flour-free pumpkin "pancakes". |
Cassey Ho, the creator of the "Blogilates" (I embedded the link above), offers some suggestions for toppings. We all love peanut butter, but she found that it over powered the pumpkin flavor. Of course you can use syrup, but why add unnecessary sugar to an already delicious breakfast? Her favorite was cottage cheese. I thought the Greek yogurt was perfect. I know very few people actually each plain yogurt, so I would recommend a vanilla since the protein powder used in this recipe is also vanilla.
Speaking of protein powder, I was nervous to buy a can. Protein powder is such a workout cliche it seems. I thought, "I don't want a can of this sitting in my pantry. I'm only going to ever use this once." Wrong! I'm already starting my search for my recipes that include it. The one downside of this product is that it tends to be expensive. The cheapest I found it was at Hannaford's in Augusta, Maine for $14.99. It should last a while though.
Monday, January 30, 2012
How Did I Let This Happen?
OK, it's been exactly one month since my last update. There have been a lot of diet changes since my last post. So, for the past seven months I had been losing weight consistently because of the Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous program (FA). About two weeks ago (maybe a little less than) I started to think I needed to learn how to manage my weight. There's no question that FA was a wonderful stepping stone and a great mentor for my weight loss, but I needed to know if I could "do this on my own." What I mean is, could I manage to not get fat again? Could I manage the binges, avoid processed sugar and hinder food thoughts. So, here I am, two weeks later after leaving FA, seven pounds heavier. I've talked to my family physician and a dietician. Weight gain after a severe diet change is common. I was told to prepare myself for up to ten pounds (seven pounds is horrifying)! I usually a 1,500 calories a day, give or take about 20. I've started weight training and toning, paired with much cardio. There are days when I feel like I'm eating too much (even though I eat mostly fruits and vegetables) and there are days when I think I don't eat enough. I've been told I should be eating around 2,000. Then someone else said between 1,300 and 1,500. Someone said women should never eat less than 1,200 (on the FA program I ate between 900 and 1,100 a day).
Can you tell that I'm confused? I'm totally over my head. But people live healthy, active lives everyday. Why can't I?
I had been doing great monitoring my flour intake, making sure it was always whole-wheat. I hadn't touched processed sugar...until last night at my friend's college graduation party which was held at Joshua's Tavern in Brunswick, Maine. Before me sprawled numerous kinds of pizza, fried foods in those little red plastic baskets - you know the kind - and cake with what I could tell was my favorite kind of frosting. I had packed my dinner. Which I ate in addition to three slices of loaded veggie pizza, two pieces of homemade chocolate cake, washed down by a mudslide. My caloric intake rocked to over 2,100 calories. That's just an extremely safe estimate. I know it's more. I was in physical pain. I wanted to put all the food back, start to evening over, make the right decision. I could feel my expanded stomach behind my ribs. It was the first time in seven months that I wanted to unbutton my pants because of I had eaten.
Of course I jumped on the scale this morning to see the damage: 4.5 pounds since yesterday. When I left FA I was a solid 175, now I'm 181 pounds. This is like a nightmare.
For the time being, I'm eliminating my morning and mid-afternoon snack and just sticking to three meals a day. I'm being more mindful of my flour intake and avoiding added sugar all together. I'm trying desperately to not become discouraged. I mean, I've still technically lost 79 lbs since June of 2011.
I'm terrified of becoming fat again. It's not an option. It's true what "they" say, maintaining your weight it harder than losing it. I have 16 pounds to lose before I reach my goal (the other day I had 12lbs to go). Yes, it's upsetting. Yes, I'm mad at myself for making such poor decisions. Yes, I will keep going. Yes, I will reach my goal. Yes, I will live a healthy life. Maybe someday I'll be able to enjoy a slice of pizza or a piece of cake without binging. Maybe I won't. Today I'm focusing on today. The best I can anyway.
I'm ready to see the number on the scale start to recede.
I promise to keep you posted. I'll let you know on weigh in day (Sunday) what the verdict is. Also, next Monday I see my dietician for the first time. I spoke with her on the phone the other day. I need to know that I will lose this weight.
I'm sorry this hasn't been my usual optimist post about weight loss success, etc. This has been a huge eye opening experience for me. Although FA was by no means easy, it's much harder to gain weight than it is to avoid flour and sugar. I can confidently say that.
If anyone has advice or words of encouragement, I would love to hear 'em!
Can you tell that I'm confused? I'm totally over my head. But people live healthy, active lives everyday. Why can't I?
I had been doing great monitoring my flour intake, making sure it was always whole-wheat. I hadn't touched processed sugar...until last night at my friend's college graduation party which was held at Joshua's Tavern in Brunswick, Maine. Before me sprawled numerous kinds of pizza, fried foods in those little red plastic baskets - you know the kind - and cake with what I could tell was my favorite kind of frosting. I had packed my dinner. Which I ate in addition to three slices of loaded veggie pizza, two pieces of homemade chocolate cake, washed down by a mudslide. My caloric intake rocked to over 2,100 calories. That's just an extremely safe estimate. I know it's more. I was in physical pain. I wanted to put all the food back, start to evening over, make the right decision. I could feel my expanded stomach behind my ribs. It was the first time in seven months that I wanted to unbutton my pants because of I had eaten.
Of course I jumped on the scale this morning to see the damage: 4.5 pounds since yesterday. When I left FA I was a solid 175, now I'm 181 pounds. This is like a nightmare.
For the time being, I'm eliminating my morning and mid-afternoon snack and just sticking to three meals a day. I'm being more mindful of my flour intake and avoiding added sugar all together. I'm trying desperately to not become discouraged. I mean, I've still technically lost 79 lbs since June of 2011.
I'm terrified of becoming fat again. It's not an option. It's true what "they" say, maintaining your weight it harder than losing it. I have 16 pounds to lose before I reach my goal (the other day I had 12lbs to go). Yes, it's upsetting. Yes, I'm mad at myself for making such poor decisions. Yes, I will keep going. Yes, I will reach my goal. Yes, I will live a healthy life. Maybe someday I'll be able to enjoy a slice of pizza or a piece of cake without binging. Maybe I won't. Today I'm focusing on today. The best I can anyway.
I'm ready to see the number on the scale start to recede.
I promise to keep you posted. I'll let you know on weigh in day (Sunday) what the verdict is. Also, next Monday I see my dietician for the first time. I spoke with her on the phone the other day. I need to know that I will lose this weight.
I'm sorry this hasn't been my usual optimist post about weight loss success, etc. This has been a huge eye opening experience for me. Although FA was by no means easy, it's much harder to gain weight than it is to avoid flour and sugar. I can confidently say that.
If anyone has advice or words of encouragement, I would love to hear 'em!
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