Genetics

As usual it's been a while since my last post. My apologies. I have a few updates and some thoughts to share, so I thought I would post before I go to bed tonight.
I left F.A. (remember the no flour, no sugar program) at the end of January, beginning of February of this year. After about a two and a half month leave of absence, I've decided to return. I've found myself a new sponsor, one whom I think will fit my lifestyle and my needs as a member of F.A. You're probably asking yourself why, exactly, have I decided to return to such a strict program that is often demanding of my time. The answer, I think, is pretty simple. I'm really tired of thinking about food. It consumes my thoughts. When I was truly working the F.A. program, my relationship with food was in a great place. I didn't crave those "bad" foods, you know the ones I'm talking about. The best part about the F.A. program: I knew that whenever I stepped on the scale I was guaranteed weight-loss. For seven months I had lost consistently. When I left the program a few months ago, I would fluctuate between 176 pounds and 186 pounds. When I left, I was an even 175 pounds. I haven't seen that number in nearly three months, though I've been close a few times. I'd exercise and eat well all week, but then Friday or Saturday would come around and I'd lost control. I'd overeat at dinner and then decide to do some damage with drinks and dessert. I would literally put on 3 to 4 pounds over the course of an evening. The food I was eating was so high in sugar and fat that my body didn't know how to process it. I would frequently make myself feel sick with greasy, processed foods. The worst part of all of this, I didn't want to eat those foods. There was some internal struggle that I constantly felt after I left the program. Food, all of sudden, had control of me again.
Like I said before, I've come back to F.A., but those binge-like habits are dying hard this second time around. I haven't had a single day on program (about two weeks now) that I haven't broken, whether it be with an extra piece of fruit or ice cream.
I need to be honest with myself and with the people in my life whom I love and cherish. I have a problem with food, particularly flour and sugar. I would have sworn to you three months ago that I wasn't a food addict. Tonight I have proven myself differently. I don't know what started the cravings or what triggered the binge, but after my class tonight I came home and scavenged the apartment for anything sweet. I knew I wouldn't find anything; Sam and I don't keep food like that around...probably for this very reason. I tried a couple of different food items to see if they would even put a dent in the cravings. I poured myself two bowls of cereal, one being shredded wheat, the other being Kashi seven-grain flakes. Then I had pretzels sticks. I should know better by now; those only make my mouth hurt (too much sodium). On to a "breakfast" sandwich at 6:30 at night. OK, so none of those things worked. Obviously I needed to leave the house if I wanted to find my "fix." I headed to Subway. And can I just say, I didn't even want to go there. I didn't want another sandwich, but I didn't know what else to do, so I drove. I bought a foot-long meatball sub. I threw more than half of it away. Such a waste of money. I also purchased an individual-size bag of cheddar harvest Sun Chips and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie (which I ate on my way to Rite Aid). At Rite Aid I bought an Easter cookie on sale (I threw that away two). I headed to McDonald's next for a McFlurry. Listen to me: I don't even like McFlurry's. This is just pure insanity.
If this isn't an addiction than I have no idea how to classify one. It's like I had no control over my thoughts and actions. I might as well have been completely inebriated. Also, keep in mind this was all between 6 o'clock and 7:30 this evening. I can't even explain to you how completely sketchy I felt driving from place to place. This is something I've never done until recently. Like I said, I don't know the exact cause. It could be that I started my period today. It could be that my nephew's second birthday is coming up and I still can't deal with the fact that I'll never see him again. It could be end-of-the-semester stress. But let's be honest, it's because I'm a food addict.
I'm learning to not beat myself up after I make poor decisions like this. Tomorrow is another day. I've called my sponsor and left her a message explaining everything to her. Being honest with myself, and like I said before, being honest with the people around me is crucial. I spoke with a local food councilor yesterday. I'll be meeting her within the next two weeks. They say that children of alcoholics are more likely to be addicts than most other people. Perhaps this is where my genetics are just falling short.
I'm not ashamed to say I'm struggling. I know this is a common issue for many, many people, I'm just one of the few who writes about it in such a public and open manner. So please no judging. I'm trying to figure this all out. In the mean time, I just need to be honest.