7:01 in the Morning

I've been up for the past 35 minutes. I had to make my morning phone call to my sponsor. We talk each morning at 6:30 for at least 15 minutes. Some of you probably haven't heard me talk about my sponsor before. It's definitely not an easy concept to accept, on my end anyway. When one truly does the F.A. program, one is required to do all parts of it, this includes at daily phone call to someone, a sponsor. In F.A. a sponsor is someone who hasn't had flour or sugar in over six months; this person has been entirely "abstinent." (Just as a side note, being abstinent in F.A. doesn't mean one has abstained from sex, which is how we typically use it, at least in health class. Abstinence here means that a sponsor has abstained from eating flour and sugar and weighs/measures every meal, three times a day). We talk about life and how it interferes with my program. For many of us, food is a comforter. Think of an alcoholic; he or she used liquor and alcohol to dull or conceal feelings. On the opposite end, he or she may use it as a celebratory tool. What it comes down to, at the end of the day, is that addicts don't need a reason to justify using their drug of choice. Mine is flour and sugar, usually in some sweetly baked combination. When obstacles retch up unannounced, which they seem to do often, I can talk to my sponsor and figure out a plan, a plan how to not eat over whatever has happened. For instance, on Friday or Thursday (I can't remember which) I received a few upsetting phone calls while I was at school. I had packed an abstinent lunch like I do everyday, so lunch wasn't going to be issue. I honestly didn't plan on eating over these two stupid phone calls, but unconsciously my addiction was manifesting, but it wouldn't show up until later that evening.
Many of you know that my story is one of binge eating, particularly at night. At this point in the day, I need to be especially focused on not eating and to push any food thoughts out. But like with any temptation, it's stupidly hard to do. That night, after parent/teacher conferences, and after being at school for over 13 hours, I broke. On the way home, food thoughts started to creep in. It started off with, "Oh, I'll have a banana with my dinner instead of the squash." This might not seem like a big deal, but my food plan doesn't include fruit at dinner. So, if I eat fruit at dinner it means that I've "broken" my food plan for the day; the break means to not be abstinent. I did eat that banana and then I ate a lot of other foods, foods that I choose not to eat when I'm working the F.A. program. I remember specifically two cookies stuffed with some sort of whipped cream filling and Sun Chips. Definitely not considered abstinent food. Do you see where an initial food thought can lead me? I truly believe the phone calls I received hours earlier in the day began to turn the wheels in my head without me even being aware of it.
I've always eaten my emotions and stress. Those habits are hard to kick, and some of you who read this know that. It's been a struggle, but this is day 3 without the white stuff. That probably doesn't seem like I big deal, but I came back to F.A. over a month ago, and it's taken me this long to get my act together. Yes, it's been hard and yes, I still have the cravings, but it will be unbelievably worth it. I realize it'll be another week or so before the cravings really dissipate anyway.
And tomorrow is national food-coma day, or Thanksgiving. Do you want to know what the true gift is here? Not once this week have I thought about the food that will undoubtedly be in my face, surrounding me. I've thought about how excited I am to spend time with Sam's family in the afternoon and spend time with my family in the evening. I'll pack my food, just like I did last year, weighed and measured ahead of time. I'll eat it, and then I won't think about it again until dinner.
If you take anything away from this borderline rant post, take away that tomorrow isn't about food. It isn't about turkey, the dark or white meat. It isn't about pies and the endless variety of flavors. It isn't about stuffing, gravy, potatoes, dinner rolls or beer and wine. It's about giving thanks. After all, another day for Thanksgiving is Thursday. Be thankful everyday.